If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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