I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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