Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
