The maid of honor just puked.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
