It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
