My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
