I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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