this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
