Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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