she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
