omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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