I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
