This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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