So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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