Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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