She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
