i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
sarcasm needs its own font
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
