I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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