You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
