Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
