ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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