omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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