my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
