i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
