Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
