did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
MIDGETS
????
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
