On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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