I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
