She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
