I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
