1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
