I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
