Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
