i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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