he thought i was a dude.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
