I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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