soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
