ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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