He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
