hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If that was your dad, he is hot
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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