if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I look better un-naked...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
