Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
