Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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