I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
