Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
His hands were made for my vagina.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
