I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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