Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
