dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
