a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
