I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
