your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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