how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
